Guilty Pain

This week I told someone your story. I didn't share the entire book, just your last chapter because it's the one that sticks in my mind. I don't know why it's so hard to talk about, after all it's been 14 years. 

So much has happened since then, it seems like I've lived a thousand lives since you went away. You were there for so many things in my life yet I didn't get to share the most important things. I've met a boy, fell in love, got married, received my Master's Degree, had a baby and watched our family fall apart without our "glue".  I miss you daily though some days are worse than others. There are times when I think of you and laugh and there are times I think of you and cry. I'm not sure why it still hurts so much, but it does. I often hear  people say "it feels like yesterday", well honestly it does.

 I've tried so hard to be strong and yet today I feel weak. I know you are in a better place and your pain is completely gone but sometimes I feel cheated. I miss you so much. Of all the people I've known, you were the most real. I think I  can't get over it because I feel so guilty. I don't think I ever told you that I loved you, I never thanked you for being there for me when my Mom couldn't, but most importantly, I'm sorry for not being there when you left this Earth. So just in case you can hear me now, I love you, I thank you and I miss you.

Longing to Live on Purpose

I attended the memorial service for my friend yesterday and I must say it was beautiful. Stories were shared as well as laughter and tears. I think the most touching part was when the video tribute was played and she actually was able to speak long enough to thank God for blessing her abundantly and personally thanking her friends for always checking on her. Needless to say there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

Afterwards, the minister couldn't say a lot because, as he put it, "she basically gave her own eulogy". So instead of the traditional eulogy, the minister asked us to think about the impact she had on our lives and asked one question: "What will you do with what she gave you?" Now that was powerful. He cited all of the wonderful things people had to say about her from her jovial spirit to her love for God. He reminded us, that all of our days were numbered and death was surely certain, so what will we do with the time in between birth and death.

 I admit, I thought about that very question all night. I remembered looking around the sanctuary at all of the friends she made and the lives she touched. I looked at the people celebrating her life yet mourning the fact that we will no longer see her smiling face or hear her laughter that could fill the largest of rooms. I thought to myself, I want to live life to the fullest. I want to change lives and live ON PURPOSE. Basically, I wanted to live like my friend. Through every illness she suffered, and there were many, she greeted every battle with strength and courage. She never let her pain define her; she was the true definition of a survivor. She purposefully touched the lives of adults and children alike, leaving a legacy that is surely slated to please the Lord for as long as we are on this Earth.

As for me, I want to leave this life knowing I did what God required of me and most importantly I want my friends and family to know that I loved them with all my might. I will truly miss her shining light and her thoughtfulness. I know she wouldn't want the tears so I shed my last tear last night and took comfort in knowing she heard the words she longed to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done".

R.I.P Lee Thompson Young (The Famous Jett Jackson)

I just heard about the apparant suicide of Lee Thompson Young. Some of you 90's babies may know him as Jett Jackson on Disney Channel's show of the same name, but I also know him as Detective Frost on TNTs Rizzoli & Isles. I watch this guy on TV every week and I was always amazed at how he was able to continue acting without being typecasted. He was one of the few lucky child stars that successfully transitioned into adult roles.

 His roles have been very different but somehow he brought something new and captivating to each role. What I saw was a happy well adjusted child actor making his way into an awesome and successful adult actor, but who knows what he was truly going through. We see the struggles with drugs, sexuality, finances, emotions of some but yet there are those that suffer in silence. He appeared happy and well adjusted but looks in this case were deceiving.

 His death confirms that what we see on the outside may not always be reality. We shouldn't take someone's smile for granted. Though a smile may be a sign of strength, we owe it to ourselves and to other's to dig a little deeper and not let appearances get in the way of us helping one another. You may need a hug, he may need a listening ear, she may need a shoulder to lean on. Whatever the need, we should make ourselves available to a loved one so they will know they are truly loved and cared for. Simply put, show you care; you might just save someone's life. We need to pray for Lee Thompson Young's family as well as our own.
Be Blessed!

8/16/99-The Greatest Loss

Fourteen years ago, our Heavenly Father called my grandmother ("mama") home, but somehow it feels like it happened yesterday. Everything reminds me of her; sometimes I greet those memories with a smile or a laugh, but today for some reason I greeted them with tears. My grandmother was the best person I knew, she is the only person that can get you told yet make you feel loved at the same time. She treated all of our friends with love and kindness and she would feed or clothe anyone in need. On Sundays, her house was packed. Everyone stopped by because they knew she cooked a big meal and that laughter would feel the air. I remember the summers were the best. The family, related (and not), would come over for a cookout or fish fry, listen to music  in the front yard, and laugh and dance for hours.  Those were the good old days for real. Even when she started feeling poorly, she still made her home welcome to everyone. She didn't cook as much but people still wanted to be in her presence.

During the last year of her life, I moved away, I didn't know how sick she really was or that time was drawing near. I knew she was "sickly" but honestly didn't realize the severity. It took me years to understand that she didn't want me to know because she knew I would have stayed. She was about living and enjoying life and she really wanted that for me. During the last few months, she grew more ill, and she wasn't herself at all. We took turns taking care of her but she still tried to take care of us. The last month is what I remember most. I would call and talk but she her words were few and mostly she just answered questions. When she finally had to go to the hospital, she kept telling everyone that I was coming to see her. When my aunt asked if I had told her I was coming home, I was confused because I hadn't said that to her at all. They figured she was talking out of her head, but for some reason I took action. I hadn't been on the job that long but my boss understood my grandma was ill and I had to go home. 

With little thought and no questions, I packed up and hit the road. When I got to the hospital, she was on Morphine and didn't recognize me at first. After talking to her for a few minutes, she looked up and smiled and say "Hey Boy" (she called all of the girls boys, she said it was easier..lol). I stayed with her for a few days and then had to say my goodbyes. I didn't want to leave but I had to and honestly it was just too hard to watch her like that. The next day, my aunt called me and said she was "gone". I was so hurt and heartbroken but happy that I was able to see her one last time and happy she was no longer in pain. 

After that day, nothing was ever the same.  People said such kinds words about her and told wonderful stories. It was hard to laugh and so easy to cry. I cried for me not for her. I cried because I wouldn't be able to call her during The Price Is Right anymore, knowing I was interrupting her favorite show. I cried because she would never meet my children. I cried because I knew my life would never be same.

Four Weeks to the Day

It's been exactly 4 weeks since George Zimmerman was found Not Guilty in the murder of Trayvon Martin. My question is what have you done to make a difference? I can honestly say I haven't done a thing and I am ashamed.

In the last 4 weeks, I have been blessed to be able to kiss my kid goodnight EVERY  night, Trayvon's parents cannot. In the last 4 weeks, I have sent my kid off to camp and/or school and watched her come home every day, Trayvon's parents cannot.  In the last 4 weeks, I have watched the changes in my daughter , Trayvon's parents cannot. In the last 4 weeks, I have talked with my kid about her future, Trayvon's parents cannot.

I don't know what the future holds. All I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father that he will keep my family safe from harm. My hope is there won't be another George Zimmerman or another Trayvon Martin, but the reality is, if I don't stand up, there will be. Though time may help the community heal from this tragedy, we must not forget what happened and what will happen again if we don't do something about these bogus "stand your ground" type laws. Remember the term "flip the script"? I say we "flip the script" and stand our ground. We cannot rest until these laws are changed. Trayvon cannot rest in peace until these laws are changed. Will you stand with me?

This Time Might Be Your Last

I have had a really rough day today so I am re-posting my FaceBook status from this morning. I'm emotionally drained but I know joy comes in the morning.

    I just found out that a dear friend of mine passed away yesterday. It's strange to think I won't be able to joke with her anymore or listen to her laugh or see her smile. When I met her she had already been attacked by cancer once but was true survivor. I saw her in Feb. and she told me her body was under attack again. she was in Chemo but she was at work laughing and smiling. Unfortunately this time she wasn't able to beat it. I miss her already. — feeling sad.

 

I am so glad I had the chance to know her and experience her sense of humor. She was a wonderful person to work with and a joy to be around. I feel much better than this morning because when I thought back to our last conversation, I hugged her, I told her to let me know if she needed my family to do anything for her while she was out of work, and finally that night I prayed for her healing. God knew she was tired and her body had been through so much.

 

The moral to this story is when you see someone you really care about, you need to treat them like it will be the last time you will see them, because it might really be the last time.

Be Blessed!

NOT GUILTY, NOW WHAT?

Tonight, a huge disservice was done to the American people-George Zimmerman was found NOT GUILTY in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. I, like most people, am shocked at the verdict. My shock however is outweighed by sadness, not just because Trayvon’s admitted killer is free, but because I feel this verdict sends the wrong message.  

A NOT GUILTY verdict implies it’s okay to be accosted because you don’t look like you belong or you fit the description of someone who committed a crime. This NOT GUILTY verdict implies it’s okay to shoot someone after you lose a fistfight (even if you were the aggressor); a NOT GUILTY verdict implies it’s okay to base your actions on preconceived notions, even if they are wrong. I’m not sure what the jurors were thinking but I hope the decision didn’t come easy. Right now I bet they are rethinking everything that occurred and wondering whether or not they made the right decision. I wonder if they are even aware of how controversial the trial had been. What I do know is they are now at home with their families and friends and no doubt dealing with all sorts of emotions. My heart goes out to them for I wouldn't want to be in their shoes right now.

The upcoming week will surely bring more media coverage, more outrage, and definitely more attention to race relations in America. My hope is that the outcome of this trial will spark more fruitful debates on gun control as well as race relations because at this point, Trayvon’s death is no longer about guilt or innocence but about tolerance and sensitivity.

My prayers go out to Trayvon’s family and friends. May God’s grace and mercy see you through these hard times and offer you comfort when only HIS love will do.

Gone too soon..

The very first friend I made when I moved to Georgia passed away this weekend. She was a sweet girl and very kind. She opened her home and heart to me when she barely knew me. I was a friend of her cousin, but she quickly became my friend as well.

Over the years, life took over and I lost touch not only with my friend but with her cousin as well. I'm not sure why, but I'm sure it was my fault. When I heard of her passing today, I immediately began to cry. Of course I was sad that she was gone and that her life ended so soon. But I was also sad because I had taken her friendship and kindness for granted and I'm not sure I ever thanked her. She never asked for anything in return and always greeted me with a smile and a kind word. To say she is gone to soon can't even describe what I'm feeling right now and who am I anyway to determine anyone's time. I'm sure it was her time but I always ask "why?"

I offer my condolensces to her family and friends for only they know how special she truly was. I often hear that people are in your life for a reason and a season and most of the time, I can say AMEN to that. This time I'm afraid the season came and went too soon for me and I will never get a chance to thank her for taking me into her home and embracing me the way she did. Though I didn't know her long or maybe as well as most, I will always have fond memories of her. I will miss you C.J. RIP.