I think I've reached the time in my life where I realize nothing is what I thought it would be.
I'm not where I thought I would be and I'm no where near that "place". I have to figure out my plan B because plan A didn't work so well. I have to stop relying on others to be happy and figure out how to get to happy on my own. I think I can get there but I'm not sure who will be there when I finally reach that happy place. What I do know is for once in my life, I'm finally ready to take things to the next level and shake things up a bit. The excitement is intoxicating and terrifying at the same time.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Guilty Pain
This week I told someone your story. I didn't share the entire book, just your last chapter because it's the one that sticks in my mind. I don't know why it's so hard to talk about, after all it's been 14 years.
So much has happened since then, it seems like I've lived a thousand lives since you went away. You were there for so many things in my life yet I didn't get to share the most important things. I've met a boy, fell in love, got married, received my Master's Degree, had a baby and watched our family fall apart without our "glue". I miss you daily though some days are worse than others. There are times when I think of you and laugh and there are times I think of you and cry. I'm not sure why it still hurts so much, but it does. I often hear people say "it feels like yesterday", well honestly it does.
I've tried so hard to be strong and yet today I feel weak. I know you are in a better place and your pain is completely gone but sometimes I feel cheated. I miss you so much. Of all the people I've known, you were the most real. I think I can't get over it because I feel so guilty. I don't think I ever told you that I loved you, I never thanked you for being there for me when my Mom couldn't, but most importantly, I'm sorry for not being there when you left this Earth. So just in case you can hear me now, I love you, I thank you and I miss you.
So much has happened since then, it seems like I've lived a thousand lives since you went away. You were there for so many things in my life yet I didn't get to share the most important things. I've met a boy, fell in love, got married, received my Master's Degree, had a baby and watched our family fall apart without our "glue". I miss you daily though some days are worse than others. There are times when I think of you and laugh and there are times I think of you and cry. I'm not sure why it still hurts so much, but it does. I often hear people say "it feels like yesterday", well honestly it does.
I've tried so hard to be strong and yet today I feel weak. I know you are in a better place and your pain is completely gone but sometimes I feel cheated. I miss you so much. Of all the people I've known, you were the most real. I think I can't get over it because I feel so guilty. I don't think I ever told you that I loved you, I never thanked you for being there for me when my Mom couldn't, but most importantly, I'm sorry for not being there when you left this Earth. So just in case you can hear me now, I love you, I thank you and I miss you.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Picking Up The Slack
I've been slacking lately, not at work, or home, but on my blog. I cannot believe I haven't expressed myself in this forum in almost 2 weeks. I wish I could say that something truly spectacular happened which caused my mini hiatus but that's not the case. I basically just got too busy to write. That's very scary for me, because writing is my passion, writing is my way of expression my joys as well as my frustrations.
I love having the space to call my own, where I don't have to have a filter, where I can just be me. My life has so many twists and turns and yet, for the past 2 weeks, I've kept everything bottled up. Even as I type this post, I can feel myself loosening up as the stress of my week gently melts away. I honestly enjoy sharing myself with others in this way because I don't allow too many people in my circle. This way my feelings can fly free, even if I don't "name names"...lol. I can get mad, say what I want, and then move on. The best part about this is, if someone doesn't like what I'm saying, they have the freedom to not read but I would rather engage in a healthy debate. After all this is why I do what I do.
I know I'm not the only person who has strong opinions about certain issues, so why not engage in healthy discussions. We have to find ways to detox mentally from time to time and allow our passions to explode beyond our thoughts. We have to be inspired by something to be motivated to do something. I'm embracing all my passions and releasing them one by one. It's time to get moving and finish some things that I started so long ago. No more slacking for me.
Be Blessed!
I love having the space to call my own, where I don't have to have a filter, where I can just be me. My life has so many twists and turns and yet, for the past 2 weeks, I've kept everything bottled up. Even as I type this post, I can feel myself loosening up as the stress of my week gently melts away. I honestly enjoy sharing myself with others in this way because I don't allow too many people in my circle. This way my feelings can fly free, even if I don't "name names"...lol. I can get mad, say what I want, and then move on. The best part about this is, if someone doesn't like what I'm saying, they have the freedom to not read but I would rather engage in a healthy debate. After all this is why I do what I do.
I know I'm not the only person who has strong opinions about certain issues, so why not engage in healthy discussions. We have to find ways to detox mentally from time to time and allow our passions to explode beyond our thoughts. We have to be inspired by something to be motivated to do something. I'm embracing all my passions and releasing them one by one. It's time to get moving and finish some things that I started so long ago. No more slacking for me.
Be Blessed!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Longing to Live on Purpose
I attended the memorial service for my friend yesterday and I must say it was beautiful. Stories were shared as well as laughter and tears. I think the most touching part was when the video tribute was played and she actually was able to speak long enough to thank God for blessing her abundantly and personally thanking her friends for always checking on her. Needless to say there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
Afterwards, the minister couldn't say a lot because, as he put it, "she basically gave her own eulogy". So instead of the traditional eulogy, the minister asked us to think about the impact she had on our lives and asked one question: "What will you do with what she gave you?" Now that was powerful. He cited all of the wonderful things people had to say about her from her jovial spirit to her love for God. He reminded us, that all of our days were numbered and death was surely certain, so what will we do with the time in between birth and death.
I admit, I thought about that very question all night. I remembered looking around the sanctuary at all of the friends she made and the lives she touched. I looked at the people celebrating her life yet mourning the fact that we will no longer see her smiling face or hear her laughter that could fill the largest of rooms. I thought to myself, I want to live life to the fullest. I want to change lives and live ON PURPOSE. Basically, I wanted to live like my friend. Through every illness she suffered, and there were many, she greeted every battle with strength and courage. She never let her pain define her; she was the true definition of a survivor. She purposefully touched the lives of adults and children alike, leaving a legacy that is surely slated to please the Lord for as long as we are on this Earth.
As for me, I want to leave this life knowing I did what God required of me and most importantly I want my friends and family to know that I loved them with all my might. I will truly miss her shining light and her thoughtfulness. I know she wouldn't want the tears so I shed my last tear last night and took comfort in knowing she heard the words she longed to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done".
Afterwards, the minister couldn't say a lot because, as he put it, "she basically gave her own eulogy". So instead of the traditional eulogy, the minister asked us to think about the impact she had on our lives and asked one question: "What will you do with what she gave you?" Now that was powerful. He cited all of the wonderful things people had to say about her from her jovial spirit to her love for God. He reminded us, that all of our days were numbered and death was surely certain, so what will we do with the time in between birth and death.
I admit, I thought about that very question all night. I remembered looking around the sanctuary at all of the friends she made and the lives she touched. I looked at the people celebrating her life yet mourning the fact that we will no longer see her smiling face or hear her laughter that could fill the largest of rooms. I thought to myself, I want to live life to the fullest. I want to change lives and live ON PURPOSE. Basically, I wanted to live like my friend. Through every illness she suffered, and there were many, she greeted every battle with strength and courage. She never let her pain define her; she was the true definition of a survivor. She purposefully touched the lives of adults and children alike, leaving a legacy that is surely slated to please the Lord for as long as we are on this Earth.
As for me, I want to leave this life knowing I did what God required of me and most importantly I want my friends and family to know that I loved them with all my might. I will truly miss her shining light and her thoughtfulness. I know she wouldn't want the tears so I shed my last tear last night and took comfort in knowing she heard the words she longed to hear "Well done my good and faithful servant, well done".
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The Power of Prayer
This morning, while trying to wake my daughter for school, I stopped and said a prayer. I prayed for her safety to and from school and I prayed that God would cover the school and blanket them from harm today. I pray often, so this really wasn't that unusual but for some reason this morning, I felt that I NEEDED to more than ever. I'm so glad I did, because an armed man walked into an elementary school located only 30 minutes Northeast of where I live.
This afternoon, local news outlets reported a gunman had walked into a DeKalb county elementary school and even fired shots at the police before surrendering. The school's bookkeeper, Antoinette Tuff, is being credited with convincing the shooter to put down his guns and give up. The gunman asked her to call the news station and she did what she was told but not before saying a quick prayer. Thankfully, the suspect was apprehended and no one was harmed though I can't help but think of what could have happened. Ms. Tuff was the only one in direct contact with the gunman but instead of panicking, she prayed. She was able to keep calm, thus keeping the gunman calm, which in turn kept everyone safe from harm.
Some people don't be believe in the power of prayer, but after today's events, how could you not? Prayer changes things. When we pray and do so the right way, the atmosphere shifts. What the Devil meant for evil, turned out good in the end. This incident could have turned out another way, but when God is in the mist, everything changes. We have to understand the order of things and sometimes we are put into situations that force us to seek the Heavenly Father's comfort and guidance (even if we don't understand the "why" at the time). I thank God that I'm a praying woman and I thank God that I'm not the only one.
Be Blessed!
This afternoon, local news outlets reported a gunman had walked into a DeKalb county elementary school and even fired shots at the police before surrendering. The school's bookkeeper, Antoinette Tuff, is being credited with convincing the shooter to put down his guns and give up. The gunman asked her to call the news station and she did what she was told but not before saying a quick prayer. Thankfully, the suspect was apprehended and no one was harmed though I can't help but think of what could have happened. Ms. Tuff was the only one in direct contact with the gunman but instead of panicking, she prayed. She was able to keep calm, thus keeping the gunman calm, which in turn kept everyone safe from harm.
Some people don't be believe in the power of prayer, but after today's events, how could you not? Prayer changes things. When we pray and do so the right way, the atmosphere shifts. What the Devil meant for evil, turned out good in the end. This incident could have turned out another way, but when God is in the mist, everything changes. We have to understand the order of things and sometimes we are put into situations that force us to seek the Heavenly Father's comfort and guidance (even if we don't understand the "why" at the time). I thank God that I'm a praying woman and I thank God that I'm not the only one.
Be Blessed!
Monday, August 19, 2013
R.I.P Lee Thompson Young (The Famous Jett Jackson)
I just heard about the apparant suicide of Lee Thompson Young. Some of you 90's babies may know him as Jett Jackson on Disney Channel's show of the same name, but I also know him as Detective Frost on TNTs Rizzoli & Isles. I watch this guy on TV every week and I was always amazed at how he was able to continue acting without being typecasted. He was one of the few lucky child stars that successfully transitioned into adult roles.
His roles have been very different but somehow he brought something new and captivating to each role. What I saw was a happy well adjusted child actor making his way into an awesome and successful adult actor, but who knows what he was truly going through. We see the struggles with drugs, sexuality, finances, emotions of some but yet there are those that suffer in silence. He appeared happy and well adjusted but looks in this case were deceiving.
His death confirms that what we see on the outside may not always be reality. We shouldn't take someone's smile for granted. Though a smile may be a sign of strength, we owe it to ourselves and to other's to dig a little deeper and not let appearances get in the way of us helping one another. You may need a hug, he may need a listening ear, she may need a shoulder to lean on. Whatever the need, we should make ourselves available to a loved one so they will know they are truly loved and cared for. Simply put, show you care; you might just save someone's life. We need to pray for Lee Thompson Young's family as well as our own.
Be Blessed!
His roles have been very different but somehow he brought something new and captivating to each role. What I saw was a happy well adjusted child actor making his way into an awesome and successful adult actor, but who knows what he was truly going through. We see the struggles with drugs, sexuality, finances, emotions of some but yet there are those that suffer in silence. He appeared happy and well adjusted but looks in this case were deceiving.
His death confirms that what we see on the outside may not always be reality. We shouldn't take someone's smile for granted. Though a smile may be a sign of strength, we owe it to ourselves and to other's to dig a little deeper and not let appearances get in the way of us helping one another. You may need a hug, he may need a listening ear, she may need a shoulder to lean on. Whatever the need, we should make ourselves available to a loved one so they will know they are truly loved and cared for. Simply put, show you care; you might just save someone's life. We need to pray for Lee Thompson Young's family as well as our own.
Be Blessed!
Sunday, August 18, 2013
8/16/99-The Greatest Loss
Fourteen years ago, our Heavenly Father called my grandmother ("mama") home, but somehow it feels like it happened yesterday. Everything reminds me of her; sometimes I greet those memories with a smile or a laugh, but today for some reason I greeted them with tears. My grandmother was the best person I knew, she is the only person that can get you told yet make you feel loved at the same time. She treated all of our friends with love and kindness and she would feed or clothe anyone in need. On Sundays, her house was packed. Everyone stopped by because they knew she cooked a big meal and that laughter would feel the air. I remember the summers were the best. The family, related (and not), would come over for a cookout or fish fry, listen to music in the front yard, and laugh and dance for hours. Those were the good old days for real. Even when she started feeling poorly, she still made her home welcome to everyone. She didn't cook as much but people still wanted to be in her presence.
During the last year of her life, I moved away, I didn't know how sick she really was or that time was drawing near. I knew she was "sickly" but honestly didn't realize the severity. It took me years to understand that she didn't want me to know because she knew I would have stayed. She was about living and enjoying life and she really wanted that for me. During the last few months, she grew more ill, and she wasn't herself at all. We took turns taking care of her but she still tried to take care of us. The last month is what I remember most. I would call and talk but she her words were few and mostly she just answered questions. When she finally had to go to the hospital, she kept telling everyone that I was coming to see her. When my aunt asked if I had told her I was coming home, I was confused because I hadn't said that to her at all. They figured she was talking out of her head, but for some reason I took action. I hadn't been on the job that long but my boss understood my grandma was ill and I had to go home.
With little thought and no questions, I packed up and hit the road. When I got to the hospital, she was on Morphine and didn't recognize me at first. After talking to her for a few minutes, she looked up and smiled and say "Hey Boy" (she called all of the girls boys, she said it was easier..lol). I stayed with her for a few days and then had to say my goodbyes. I didn't want to leave but I had to and honestly it was just too hard to watch her like that. The next day, my aunt called me and said she was "gone". I was so hurt and heartbroken but happy that I was able to see her one last time and happy she was no longer in pain.
After that day, nothing was ever the same. People said such kinds words about her and told wonderful stories. It was hard to laugh and so easy to cry. I cried for me not for her. I cried because I wouldn't be able to call her during The Price Is Right anymore, knowing I was interrupting her favorite show. I cried because she would never meet my children. I cried because I knew my life would never be same.
During the last year of her life, I moved away, I didn't know how sick she really was or that time was drawing near. I knew she was "sickly" but honestly didn't realize the severity. It took me years to understand that she didn't want me to know because she knew I would have stayed. She was about living and enjoying life and she really wanted that for me. During the last few months, she grew more ill, and she wasn't herself at all. We took turns taking care of her but she still tried to take care of us. The last month is what I remember most. I would call and talk but she her words were few and mostly she just answered questions. When she finally had to go to the hospital, she kept telling everyone that I was coming to see her. When my aunt asked if I had told her I was coming home, I was confused because I hadn't said that to her at all. They figured she was talking out of her head, but for some reason I took action. I hadn't been on the job that long but my boss understood my grandma was ill and I had to go home.
With little thought and no questions, I packed up and hit the road. When I got to the hospital, she was on Morphine and didn't recognize me at first. After talking to her for a few minutes, she looked up and smiled and say "Hey Boy" (she called all of the girls boys, she said it was easier..lol). I stayed with her for a few days and then had to say my goodbyes. I didn't want to leave but I had to and honestly it was just too hard to watch her like that. The next day, my aunt called me and said she was "gone". I was so hurt and heartbroken but happy that I was able to see her one last time and happy she was no longer in pain.
After that day, nothing was ever the same. People said such kinds words about her and told wonderful stories. It was hard to laugh and so easy to cry. I cried for me not for her. I cried because I wouldn't be able to call her during The Price Is Right anymore, knowing I was interrupting her favorite show. I cried because she would never meet my children. I cried because I knew my life would never be same.
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